Learn to be an Italian driver

John and I had lived in Tuscany for just over a year when we realized that our American drivers’ licenses were no longer valid in Italy. Unfortunately, we discovered the process of getting an Italian license is one of the most rigorous in the world. There are 10,000 possible questions on the exam. You get randomly assigned 40 on your test, which you have to answer in 30 minutes, and get four or less wrong to pass. And it is only in Italian.

The best way to approach this challenge is through a “scuola guida,” or local driver’s school. It is a sort of rite of passage in which sweaty teens and terrified expats are on a level playing field.

Our instructor for the written test thought it was better if John and I were taught apart from the teens, in a kind of “special” student way. We, and one other friend, arrived three times a week to a typical classroom with rows of desks and a big screen up front. A noticable difference from the usual classroom environment was the tire calendar with topless women on the wall.

Every week our instructor would run through his slides, a selection of possible test questions, and try to mime and convey in very loud and slow Italian what the question was about. John and I had been married for ages by that point, but we discovered a new aspect of our relationship—that we became cut-throat competitors when academic superiority and glory were on the line. Who first yelled out  “vero” or “falso” to a question became a matter of pride.

The questions are intentionally tricky. “When you happen upon an unfortunate by the side of the road with a possible thoracic spine injury do you move them to an incline of 30-degrees?” “Does a 50cc. scooter have brake fluid?” “Is a pregnant woman required to wear a seat belt?” Sometimes I understood the question, but had no idea of the answer. Other times my language would reach its limit at an important moment: “When your car stalls within 10 meters of a train track do you cojidhfp immediately?” (Answer key: vero, vero, falso, and I still don’t know.)

The best part of this process was the relationship between the instructor and the class. It’s hard to imagine the lack of ego, endless humor, sense of equality between instructors and students, and amount of abuse that is coming your way when you enter the classroom. Our daughter, Donella, is currently taking the class and says that all of them laugh nonstop.

The class was asked: “If you happen upon an unfortunate by the side of the road, who is on fire, do you extinguish the person or wait for the fire to go out?” The instructor advised, while rubbing his hands together and with an evil grin, that actually “falso” might be the appropriate answer, because with a little olive oil, rosemary, and garlic … There’s a kid in the class who is the latest generation of a long line of morticians in our village. Unfortunately, for him, much discussion in class is about the possible dangers of driving—some possibly fatal. With great glee, the instructor always extrapolates to the worst outcome, then refers to the situation as being great for the mortician’s business.

This week one of the instructors was telling off someone in the class for an answer he thought was stupid, and kept yelling “Curse on those who teach you,”—implying himself. It reminded him of a recent trip to the post office that had amused him greatly. He was looking for parking, noticed a car leaving, and put on his turn signal to wait for the spot. The other driver seemed incapable of getting out of a parallel parking position—spending several minutes moving back and forth without making any progress. The long line of waiting drivers were getting impatient. Finally, our instructor got out, knocked on the window, which was rolled down, and he was greeted with a big smile. He told the woman how to get out of the parking spot. Turns out he’d taught her how to drive two years ago. He thought it was hilarious that she still couldn’t park.